Fireflies

God's creation has always amazed me. As you all know, I'm spending my summer in Mentone, Al and this area possess's something Florida doesn't: fireflies. They are something I've always loved. I think fireflies are the weirdest creatures, the way their butts light up. I mean, come on, Who else could think of that but an all powerful creator? They are the most beautiful bugs (and this is coming from the girl that hates bugs). This summer God has been working in my heart in so many ways. I've become convicted of a lot of things I never thought about before and I've realized how much more my life needs to change than it already has. The fireflies remind me of my savior. A beautiful light in the dark.

Sunshine, Adventures, and Everything In-between

As most of you know (and by most of you I mean all 5 of you that follow my blog) I'm at Ponderosa Bible Camp this summer as a counselor. I was going to write a blog about my past experiences here as a little girl and how that ties into now, but my older sister (who also has  blog) totally stole my thunder and beat me to it ( love you Caitlin). So I guess I'll just talk about my first few days here and what I hope to get from the rest of the summer. The first day I got here I flew in with my sweet friend Melinda and we stayed in my home town of Birmingham for 2 days. I was excited to say the least, but a little nervous to see some people I hadn't talked to in a while. It was a beautiful two days that I got to spend with some very very dear friends. On the 3rd day I met up with one of the other counselors and we immediately clicked. By the end of the day, all four of us girl counselors had bonded and it already felt like we'd known each other our whole lives. I can't even begin to explain how much love there is in a room when all of us are together. I have *never* in my whole life experienced such a feeling of love and respect and joy and peace on a daily basis. I am  just amazed at how it feels every morning to wake up and be here. Training starts this week and all the other staff comes in  tomorrow. I know that this summer will be difficult at times but I know that God knows exactly what he's doing. Riding in the car on the way to 6 Flags two days ago Mr. Jeff asked me what I was hoping to get out of this summer. To be honest, I told him I really want to know why I'm here. It became very clear that this is where God wanted me to be this summer, but I'm not sure why. I can't wait to see what he has in store for me! Thank you to all of you that are praying and supporting me while I'm here, I love you all.

The Oddball

Confession Time: I'm the world's biggest dork. Those of you that know me well are sitting at your computers nodding your head and giggling. For those of you that don't believe me, lets flash back a few years to 6th grade. I was home schooled 1-5th; that's not a *bad* thing mind you, not at all, but it greatly inhibited my social skills. I walk in to my very first day of public school wearing this: Bright orange and red pedal pusher pants (hellloooooo 90's) a bright orange shirt with a GIANT picture of red sparkly sunglasses not-so-strategically placed *directly* across my chest, tennis shoes (which is bad enough in b/c in Florida everyone only wears flip flops) WITH socks and a blue back pack that must have stuck a foot out from my back. If that wasn't bad enough, I had a large ( and dearly beloved) sparkly blue lunch-box and an insulated water bottle which I tied to the strings that hung down either side of my backpack. Oh yea, I was the picture of cool.... and by that I mean I was the biggest walking target from the "boonies" that ever lived. Thankfully, my fashion sense has improved but I'm still that same girl on the inside. I used to get picked on sooo much when I was younger, my hair was fluffy, I couldn't dress to save my life, and I always had my nose in a book. So, I learned to change my ways so that people would think I was "cool". Yes yes I realize that was stupid, but you're positively lying if you say you would have done otherwise so don't even try me. I learned how to talk, dress, and act so that I would have some semblance of fitting in. Until recently I never realized that I guard myself when I talk to people. When I text some one that I don't know as well I carefully phrase each sentence so that I don't sound weird or dorky. How dumb is that? I actually can't believe I'm admitting that, but it's true! I've realized lately that doing that makes absolutely zero sense. If I can't just speak how I normally speak, and act how I always do, even if that person likes me or enjoys me, they don't like me for who I am. They like me for who I *pretend* to be. To be perfectly honest, it's tiring and annoying and overall frustrating to pretend that you're something you're not all the time and sooner or later no one will be fooled. Usually I take the last part of my blog to give some tidbit of self-discovered wisdom, or a quote blah blah blah but to tell you the truth I'm not gonna do that this time. Why? Because I still don't quite have this figured out! I'm just now starting to accept my oddball status and realize that I like myself way better this way. It kind of goes along with my "Hot pink and sparkles" entry that I wrote a few days ago. That was my discovery of how much I enjoy being different. I'm going to be a camp counselor this summer. I will be working with 3 other girl counselors and 4 guys and to be honest I'm scared out of my mind. My little dorky inner self is still saying "What if I'm too weird, what if they don't like me, what if (heaven forbid) even my campers think I'm weird. OH NO!" The theme for camp this summer is "A Battle to Fight" and that's exactly what I'm doing right now. That's not just my inner dorky self talking, that is the evil one trying to lure me over and change my mind and cripple my heart. 1 Peter 5:8 says "Be self controlled and alert. Your enemy, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion searching for someone to devour". Well guess what? I don't feel like being a mid-meal snack today! So, I'm gonna sing the song that Dory sings in Finding Nemo to the fish that tries to eat them "No eating here tonight, No eating here tonight, No no no eating here tonight, you're onnn aaaa diiiietttt". I will bask in my oddball self knowing that God made me that way. Insecure or not, I will fight my battles and I will win because the one that is more powerful than any other is on my side, whether I'm a dork or not. 

10 Little Fingers and 10 Tiny Toes

When I was in 8th grade, my family adopted my little brother Shaun. I will never forget the day they brought him home. They got out of the car and my mom handed this little baby to me and he looked up at me, right in the eye, and smiled. I fell in love. My little brother has changed my life in so many ways. He's made me believe what my mom always told me; little kids are tough to handle! He's taught me that anything can be fun, you just have to make it that way. He's taught me so many things, but most importantly he's taught me something that seems so simple, but in truth it's so difficult to do. To Love. Any of you who have a small child, or sibling you know what I'm talking about. The purity of heart in a child is simply astounding. Their honesty is mind blowing, they act how they feel and they love so freely it's almost confusing. Shaun always puts numbers to the amount of his love. He will say "I love you 1000" or 100 or whatever. On some days, (if you're being really cool and worthy of some extra love) you'll get a huge number like 92573401 kajibillion. He never stops to remember the times I've let him down when he tells me he loves me. He never reminds me of all the things I should be doing for him that I don't when he runs up and gives me hugs. He never hesitates to tell me that he loves me 100 or a million, because to him it doesn't matter. All that matters is that I'm his sister and he loves me. I'm pretty sure I've never been more touched than when he had alphabet week at school and he brought in a picture of us and talked about the letter "L" for his best friend and big sister Lindsay. Never mind the fact I was 5 hours away at college, never mind the fact that I don't call enough or visit as much as I should. He only remembers the 5 minute chats or the piece of gum I give him (usually just to keep him quiet for a few minutes). He's always willing to play a game or give a hug. The love of a child reminds me so much of the unfailing love of my savior. I *know* that God uses Shaun to remind me of him and his love for me. I remember recently when my boyfriend and I broke up, I was crying one day when I was visiting home and Shaun just came and sat in my lap and said "It's ok Z, you still my best friend". I didn't ask him to do that, but he did because he knew I needed to be reminded that I'm loved. Over and over Shaun has touched my life and my heart. I was blessed the day he was born and God decided that his mother who couldn't care for him would love him enough to give him away and that my family would be hugely blessed to have him become one of our own. The little things he does just make me giggle, like how he calls Publix "Pugwix" or his little glasses, or when he dances around or sings to his kids bop cd. Some days I wish he would never grow up. But the truth is, it doesn't matter how old he gets I can never ever replace the spot in my heart that was walked on by ten tiny toes and imprinted by 10 little fingers of the little brother that changed my life.

Hot Pink and Sparkles

Ok, so anyone that knows me (even just a little bit) probably knows that I love to paint nails. I'm not sure where it started or how it started, but somewhere along the line a bottle of liquid pink and sparkles got me hooked. If I were to give you the obvious reasons why I love to paint nails it would sound silly: they're pretty, you can use your favorite colors, etc. Sounds like a bad essay written by a 3rd grade girl with a social interaction problem. But, to be honest with you, there's things about painting nails that no one thinks about. I love it because it's a way to express yourself. More often than not, you'll see me unapologetically sporting hot pink, bright orange, or acid green nails. I love it that way. I'm loud, excited, and crazy and I like my fingers to represent that. The thing about expressing your personality through nail color is that when it starts to chip away, all you have to do it bust out the acetone and do them again. Your actual personality and creativity is not so easily healed. If someone or something keeps wearing and wearing on your spirit and chipping  away at your heart, eventually the hot pink you once loved will be a dull grey, much harder to replace. I used to feel that way, like the sparkles in my personality had lost their luster. I felt like no matter how hard I tried, everyone else in the world was painting their personality boring colors like "nude" and "muted rose petal #55". ew ew ew. I tried the whole pasty pink and pantyhose tan personalities, but they just didn't fit. But, I hid my sparkles because I didn't want to be strange and immature. Here's what I'm beginning to realize: it doesn't matter what I do, or how old I get, that cheetah print, neon pink, and glitter will always be in my heart. No matter how old I get or where I go, that's who I am. *So what* if no one else does that? I.don't.need.them.too. You know why? Because the right people will accept me, princess complex and all. I'll keep my tu-tu thank you very much. So what if I sneeze glitter and still wish I could be a Disney Princess? Take back your " muted rose petal #55" nail polish, I don't want it! My nails will forever be an example of how I feel in my heart and that's the way I know it should be.

Looking At the Sky

For as long as I can remember, one of my favorite things to do is lay in the grass and look up at the sky. Sunny, cloudy, night, or day. I don't really care. I just love the sky; it fascinates me more than the ocean. This giant expanse that can shift and change every day, giving way to light or darkness. Sometimes rain, sometimes sun. Looking at the sky makes me feel calm. I guess I love the Sky because it reminds me of mercy. The sky reminds me of mercy and grace and the unfathomable love the Christ has for me. I've been struggling releasing my control of some things lately and a chat I had with a very dear friend of mine as I laid in the grass made me realize this. My friend has been having a hard time relinquishing control and I wasn't sure what to tell her.. then as I thought and the words flowed, I realized that everything I was saying to her was something I needed to say to myself. I told her " Remember, that when you refuse to give up control, you're telling God he doesn't know what he's doing. You're telling him you think you know better and you don't trust him. As difficult as it is, we must truly *live* what we believe. If you believe who you say God is, you will relinquish your control and learn to trust him. Stop trying to save yourself , that was already taken care of on the cross and that is a gift much too precious to ignore." When I went back and read those words, I realized that in helping her, I was helping myself. I needed so badly to be reminded that God is big enough, he is strong enough and he holds my future in his hands. No amount of pushing, shoving, kicking, screaming, or fighting will change the fact that HE is the one in control of my life. Rather than resisting that, I am attempting to realize it is something to embrace. One of my most favorite verses is  Matthew 10:29-31 "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.^[b] 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. ³¹ So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows" Why am I afraid to relinquish my control? I am worth *more* than many sparrows to a God full of mercy and grace. So, when I am afraid to relinquish control, I will look up to the sky and be reminded of his deep love for me. 

A One Track Mind Like Mine

I feel like all my good thoughts are fueled by my best friend. Not by any particular reason other than the fact that he makes me think about the things I won't admit if anyone else were to call me out. He's the only person smart enough to call me out and tell me what's going on. I realized today (brace yourselves, this is one of the few times I will say this) that I have been utterly and completely wrong. I've been going about my business, trying to chase after God and working hard in school and hanging out with friends all the while spending time being jealous and angry and blaming it on faulty reasoning. Sometimes in life, there are things we can't do anything about, but what I realized today is that just because we can't do anything about certain things doesn't give us the right to take out those frustrations on the people we love the most. I almost lost my best friend today. Why? Because I have spent *so much time* taking out frustrations and anger and issues on him because subconsciously I guess I've always told myself that he loves me enough that it doesn't matter what I say or how I act he will always be there. Wrong. I learned today that you can only push people away for so long before they finally leave. Today, when push came to shove (see what I did there?) I finally admitted for once in my life that I've been wrong. I admitted this not just because I wanted to fix things or I wanted it to go away, but because I truly sucked it up and realized that fact that I have been an utterly selfish woman. I spend so much time saying to myself "look what I do for others" and yet I neglect the person that matters more to me than anyone else. And yet, despite every thing he's done for me I blamed him for everything that has gone wrong in the past few months. The truth of the matter is, I think when things go wrong, I always need someone to blame. I'm so afraid to take responsibility for hurting someone because I automatically jump to "I'm worthless and disgusting. Who could love me anyway?" I'm so afraid to admit that some one may care about me mess and all that I just get angry and push and push and push until they finally won't take anymore. Today I learned that I *cannot* do that ever again. A very dear friend of mine has been going through a tough time lately and I keep telling him to have peace and forgiveness. I have shared with him Ephesians 4:26 "Do not let the sun go down on your anger, for you will give the devil a foothold" and yet all along the sun has been rising and setting on my anger for far too long all because I convinced myself my anger was gone when really I had just transferred it to someone else.  I put this anger on him because It gave me a reason to hold on to him, to tell myself "there's no way he could leave me if he's hurt me. He would never leave" and yet, I've been hurting him. Yup, I'm not the victim here. Shocking. My eyes have been opened today to the fact that no matter what has happened in my life, or what others have done or how they have treated me does not mean that everyone is that way. Just because I've been hurt doesn't mean I'm the only one. In the process of me being angry over being hurt by another, I deeply hurt the person I care the most about. I guess my point in all this is to say, don't let the sun go down on your anger with the ones you love. If something is hurting you, for goodness sake, figure out what it is that's really hurting you and get to the real issue. Don't hide behind something else. If you are angry because you're jealous, be honest about it. If you're angry because someone has hurt you, be honest about it. If you're going to keep things to yourself, then fine. But don't do what I did and tell myself I will keep quiet, all the while letting my frustrations and feelings speak for me. Today I found my voice again. But, for once in my life, I didn't find my voice through speaking. I found it through being told the truth; the truth that I have been selfish, and mean, and angry. I realized today that speaking up for yourself doesn't have to mean blaming your hurts on someone else. Sometimes, it means admitting to yourself the real issue and apologizing to the person you love. People always says you never know what you've got until it's gone. I don't ever want to know what it feels like to lose my best friend. Coming as close as I did today was enough to make me realize, that it doesn't matter how I feel, my selfish pride is not worth losing the only person who has always been there. My pride is not an excuse for bad behavior, and my *pride* of falsely righteous anger came crashing down when I finally admitted to myself that I hurt someone. I think my Dad may have a coronary if he reads this because he's spent 19 years trying to get all this through my head. I guess it never registered coming from him because you don't get to choose your family. They are what you've got and you love them and stand by them no matter what so I never had to figure this out until now. I never had to figure this out until I was truly faced with the realization that if my best friend had left me today it would be no one's fault but my own and that scared me to death. I will never let my pride get in the way of my ability to love ever again. Anger is not worth the loss it can cause, especially when it's anger over something you can't change. I guess it just took someone with a one track mind like mine to make me see it. (Just for fun, here's the song that inspired that last line http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3JV74i4yvcA.) Anyways, make today count, don't let your anger get in the way of your life and don't let it make you lose what's most important. Nothing is worth that, no matter how important you think the reason you're angry is. Nothing nothing nothing is worth looking back and thinking "If I hadn't been angry, that never would have happened". So, tell the truth to the people you love and live your life, just don't live it blaming other people. You'll feel a heck of a lot more free if you realize your mistakes and accept that there are people who won't leave you just because you mess up.