A One Track Mind Like Mine

I feel like all my good thoughts are fueled by my best friend. Not by any particular reason other than the fact that he makes me think about the things I won't admit if anyone else were to call me out. He's the only person smart enough to call me out and tell me what's going on. I realized today (brace yourselves, this is one of the few times I will say this) that I have been utterly and completely wrong. I've been going about my business, trying to chase after God and working hard in school and hanging out with friends all the while spending time being jealous and angry and blaming it on faulty reasoning. Sometimes in life, there are things we can't do anything about, but what I realized today is that just because we can't do anything about certain things doesn't give us the right to take out those frustrations on the people we love the most. I almost lost my best friend today. Why? Because I have spent *so much time* taking out frustrations and anger and issues on him because subconsciously I guess I've always told myself that he loves me enough that it doesn't matter what I say or how I act he will always be there. Wrong. I learned today that you can only push people away for so long before they finally leave. Today, when push came to shove (see what I did there?) I finally admitted for once in my life that I've been wrong. I admitted this not just because I wanted to fix things or I wanted it to go away, but because I truly sucked it up and realized that fact that I have been an utterly selfish woman. I spend so much time saying to myself "look what I do for others" and yet I neglect the person that matters more to me than anyone else. And yet, despite every thing he's done for me I blamed him for everything that has gone wrong in the past few months. The truth of the matter is, I think when things go wrong, I always need someone to blame. I'm so afraid to take responsibility for hurting someone because I automatically jump to "I'm worthless and disgusting. Who could love me anyway?" I'm so afraid to admit that some one may care about me mess and all that I just get angry and push and push and push until they finally won't take anymore. Today I learned that I *cannot* do that ever again. A very dear friend of mine has been going through a tough time lately and I keep telling him to have peace and forgiveness. I have shared with him Ephesians 4:26 "Do not let the sun go down on your anger, for you will give the devil a foothold" and yet all along the sun has been rising and setting on my anger for far too long all because I convinced myself my anger was gone when really I had just transferred it to someone else.  I put this anger on him because It gave me a reason to hold on to him, to tell myself "there's no way he could leave me if he's hurt me. He would never leave" and yet, I've been hurting him. Yup, I'm not the victim here. Shocking. My eyes have been opened today to the fact that no matter what has happened in my life, or what others have done or how they have treated me does not mean that everyone is that way. Just because I've been hurt doesn't mean I'm the only one. In the process of me being angry over being hurt by another, I deeply hurt the person I care the most about. I guess my point in all this is to say, don't let the sun go down on your anger with the ones you love. If something is hurting you, for goodness sake, figure out what it is that's really hurting you and get to the real issue. Don't hide behind something else. If you are angry because you're jealous, be honest about it. If you're angry because someone has hurt you, be honest about it. If you're going to keep things to yourself, then fine. But don't do what I did and tell myself I will keep quiet, all the while letting my frustrations and feelings speak for me. Today I found my voice again. But, for once in my life, I didn't find my voice through speaking. I found it through being told the truth; the truth that I have been selfish, and mean, and angry. I realized today that speaking up for yourself doesn't have to mean blaming your hurts on someone else. Sometimes, it means admitting to yourself the real issue and apologizing to the person you love. People always says you never know what you've got until it's gone. I don't ever want to know what it feels like to lose my best friend. Coming as close as I did today was enough to make me realize, that it doesn't matter how I feel, my selfish pride is not worth losing the only person who has always been there. My pride is not an excuse for bad behavior, and my *pride* of falsely righteous anger came crashing down when I finally admitted to myself that I hurt someone. I think my Dad may have a coronary if he reads this because he's spent 19 years trying to get all this through my head. I guess it never registered coming from him because you don't get to choose your family. They are what you've got and you love them and stand by them no matter what so I never had to figure this out until now. I never had to figure this out until I was truly faced with the realization that if my best friend had left me today it would be no one's fault but my own and that scared me to death. I will never let my pride get in the way of my ability to love ever again. Anger is not worth the loss it can cause, especially when it's anger over something you can't change. I guess it just took someone with a one track mind like mine to make me see it. (Just for fun, here's the song that inspired that last line http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3JV74i4yvcA.) Anyways, make today count, don't let your anger get in the way of your life and don't let it make you lose what's most important. Nothing is worth that, no matter how important you think the reason you're angry is. Nothing nothing nothing is worth looking back and thinking "If I hadn't been angry, that never would have happened". So, tell the truth to the people you love and live your life, just don't live it blaming other people. You'll feel a heck of a lot more free if you realize your mistakes and accept that there are people who won't leave you just because you mess up.