Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid

I know I need to write. Writing makes me feel good; it helps me clear my head. In the past few weeks I must have sat down to write 10 times and each time I get going, I start writing without really thinking, just letting the things on my mind out on paper. But, every time I chicken out and erase it. I convince myself that what I have to say isn't important or it's too weird or believe it or not, too honest. Sometimes I wonder if I really should have said some of the things I've said on here. Sometimes people see a little *too much* of themselves in what you write and then they think you're talking about them. Sometimes, you really are talking about someone and then later on you wonder if the things you said were really worth saying. The consequences of words are so SO huge. I don't want to regret what I write. Ever. But sometimes, I regret how it makes me feel. I know everyone will know what I'm talking about when I say sometimes it feels like it's better to keep certain thoughts and feelings under lock and key. Sometimes, you finally admit the things you've been scared to death to say because you convince yourself the consequences can't be any worse than the way it makes you feel when you keep it to yourself. The truth is though, that it really can be harder when the truth is in the open, because when you share your truest thoughts and feelings you share your heart whether you want to or not. I think there's something to be said for total honesty (clearly by my blog you can tell I'm a firm believer in  "honesty is the best policy") but there is such a thing as saying too much. That's something I've had to figure out the hard way. There comes a point where you have to decide whether what you feel is so important that you *have to* say it no matter what the consequences. Be careful what you classify with that kind of importance. Once the truth is out there, it doesn't mean your life will change. Being honest about something doesn't mean you'll be happy or you'll get what you want. Maybe it will, but there's never a guarantee. You'll always run that risk of having everything out in the open and then realizing that absolutely nothing is going to change. It doesn't have to be a bad thing, it's just something you have to be prepared for. It's kind of like when you're little and you get caught eating candy before dinner. Of course your mom already knows you did it (mom always knows *everything*, right? It's creepy)  but for some reason parents always ask if you did it or not. So, you weigh the options in your head (either way that candy was delicious, right?) but you figure if you tell the truth then maybe you won't get in trouble. More often than not, you still get spanked and run away rubbing your backside, crying. Darn it, the truth stings a lot more than you thought it would! That stolen candy doesn't taste so delicious when you have to pay the price. A moment of sweetness for an hour of pain. It doesn't seem worth it. Although, contrary to what I've been saying this entire time, there is also something to be said for the relief that comes from honesty. You don't have to bear the burden anymore. Once everything is out in the open, that weight is lifted. I guess though, when the situation isn't resolved it kind of feels like a giant rock hanging in the air that you're just waiting to come crashing down. You don't directly feel it anymore, but you know it isn't over. I feel that way right now. I feel...unresolved about some things in my life right now. Some chapters of my life have recently been closed, but I'm ok with that. Sometimes there are things that you need to be done with. I guess it's just hard to try and convince yourself you're done with something that you know isn't over. Maybe, things are different for now, but some day a conclusion will come in one direction or the other. I've been told in the past i'm a "100%" kind of person. Whatever I feel I feel to the extreme, whether it's love, hate, excitement, sadness, passion, or pain I can't help but be intense about the things I feel. Sometimes I feel, rather I *know*, that this drives people away from me. I'm "too much too often" but I would rather be intense than feel nothing at all. The problem with honesty as it goes along with my personality is that once I say the truth, it doesn't relieve anything. Sure, maybe I won't feel isolated, but that intensity is still there. That's who I am and that's something that maybe I could change, but I'm not willing to. It's something I like about myself. I guess I just need to figure out how to be honest and let go of things at the same time. I know God has a plan for my life, but I'm so darn impatient that I hate waiting for the plan to be revealed. I feel sometimes (even thought I know it won't work) that if I just bargain with him and say "ok God, I'll be honest about ________ if you'll just show me where my life is headed right now". I'm pretty sure he giggles at that. I've got an internal debate going on right over whether or not I should keep being honest about the way I feel about things anymore. Honesty, doesn't, won't, and never will get rid of any kind of longing so take it from me who learned it the hard way: Make sure that you're ready for whatever happens. Don't blindly run around yelling the honest truth from the mountain tops. Just be sure that later on you won't look back and think: Some things really are better left unsaid.