Grown-Up

Here I am at my computer, with absolutely *nothing* to say today. I wish I had something witty to say like all the rest of my entries, but today I just don't. I have done absolutely nothing of consequence so far this week. I've just been plodding along in my lame little life just like everyone else. I'm really just ready for nursing school. I'm ready to just grow up and move on. I feel like I've been saying that my whole life. "I want to grow up". What does that even mean? How old do you have to be to be a grown up anyway?  I remember when I was little I used to sit in my mom's bathroom and watch her do her make-up and wish that I could be a "grown-up". The truth is though, I've gone through every stage so far, just like everyone else. And yet, the older I get I feel farther and farther away from that grown-up that I always pictured myself being when I was a little girl. I've spent so much time thinking "ok, I'll just make it through this part of my life and then I'll get to ____and that will make me happy". But it doesn't. Here's the dirty secret no one wants to tell you; at no point in life will you ever feel perfect. There will always be something you're aiming towards. Something you've yet to do. I'm learning that happiness is about finding the little blessings every day. There's this quote in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants from a little girl named Bailey who has Luekemia. Before she dies she makes a video on her friend Tibby's camera while she's not there. A week prior she passed out in the grocery store where Tibby works and that's how they met. At the time Tibby was doing a documentary on "lame existence". In Bailey walks in "the pants" that are way too big for her and she sits on the stool and says one of the wisest things I've ever heard: "Hey, it's me, Bailey. You don't have to use this in your movie or anything, although now that I think of it, fainting in Wallman's does kind of qualify me as a loser. But then again, wearing a price sticker on your forehead probably makes you one, too. Ya know, I don't know, Tibby, maybe the truth is there's a little bit of loser in all of us, ya know? Being happy isn't having everything in your life be perfect. Maybe it's about stringing together all the little things like wearing these pants or getting to a new level of Dragon's Lair - making those count for more than the bad stuff. Maybe we just get through it... and that's all we can ask for" For a 12 year old I feel like that's pretty deep stuff. I think she's got a point. Going through life wishing to be "grown-up" will never make me content because I'll always be waiting for some magic moment that's gonna somehow magically turn me into a thriving soccer mom and make me happy. So, ala Bailey I'm learning to string together the little things and enjoy life. Day to day. Enjoying the storm and the sun because some of the most beautiful things need that storm to survive. A flower can't grow without rain and neither will I grow without experiencing all of life with arms wide open. I guess I'm learning to stop wishing to "grow-up". Life will happen as it will and God will guide my path. So instead of trudging down the road with my head down headed to a foggy ideal land of being older I will dance down the way of life headlong and singing while the storm is raging on. After all; who doesn't love to play in the rain?