Looking At the Sky

For as long as I can remember, one of my favorite things to do is lay in the grass and look up at the sky. Sunny, cloudy, night, or day. I don't really care. I just love the sky; it fascinates me more than the ocean. This giant expanse that can shift and change every day, giving way to light or darkness. Sometimes rain, sometimes sun. Looking at the sky makes me feel calm. I guess I love the Sky because it reminds me of mercy. The sky reminds me of mercy and grace and the unfathomable love the Christ has for me. I've been struggling releasing my control of some things lately and a chat I had with a very dear friend of mine as I laid in the grass made me realize this. My friend has been having a hard time relinquishing control and I wasn't sure what to tell her.. then as I thought and the words flowed, I realized that everything I was saying to her was something I needed to say to myself. I told her " Remember, that when you refuse to give up control, you're telling God he doesn't know what he's doing. You're telling him you think you know better and you don't trust him. As difficult as it is, we must truly *live* what we believe. If you believe who you say God is, you will relinquish your control and learn to trust him. Stop trying to save yourself , that was already taken care of on the cross and that is a gift much too precious to ignore." When I went back and read those words, I realized that in helping her, I was helping myself. I needed so badly to be reminded that God is big enough, he is strong enough and he holds my future in his hands. No amount of pushing, shoving, kicking, screaming, or fighting will change the fact that HE is the one in control of my life. Rather than resisting that, I am attempting to realize it is something to embrace. One of my most favorite verses is  Matthew 10:29-31 "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.^[b] 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. ³¹ So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows" Why am I afraid to relinquish my control? I am worth *more* than many sparrows to a God full of mercy and grace. So, when I am afraid to relinquish control, I will look up to the sky and be reminded of his deep love for me. 

A One Track Mind Like Mine

I feel like all my good thoughts are fueled by my best friend. Not by any particular reason other than the fact that he makes me think about the things I won't admit if anyone else were to call me out. He's the only person smart enough to call me out and tell me what's going on. I realized today (brace yourselves, this is one of the few times I will say this) that I have been utterly and completely wrong. I've been going about my business, trying to chase after God and working hard in school and hanging out with friends all the while spending time being jealous and angry and blaming it on faulty reasoning. Sometimes in life, there are things we can't do anything about, but what I realized today is that just because we can't do anything about certain things doesn't give us the right to take out those frustrations on the people we love the most. I almost lost my best friend today. Why? Because I have spent *so much time* taking out frustrations and anger and issues on him because subconsciously I guess I've always told myself that he loves me enough that it doesn't matter what I say or how I act he will always be there. Wrong. I learned today that you can only push people away for so long before they finally leave. Today, when push came to shove (see what I did there?) I finally admitted for once in my life that I've been wrong. I admitted this not just because I wanted to fix things or I wanted it to go away, but because I truly sucked it up and realized that fact that I have been an utterly selfish woman. I spend so much time saying to myself "look what I do for others" and yet I neglect the person that matters more to me than anyone else. And yet, despite every thing he's done for me I blamed him for everything that has gone wrong in the past few months. The truth of the matter is, I think when things go wrong, I always need someone to blame. I'm so afraid to take responsibility for hurting someone because I automatically jump to "I'm worthless and disgusting. Who could love me anyway?" I'm so afraid to admit that some one may care about me mess and all that I just get angry and push and push and push until they finally won't take anymore. Today I learned that I *cannot* do that ever again. A very dear friend of mine has been going through a tough time lately and I keep telling him to have peace and forgiveness. I have shared with him Ephesians 4:26 "Do not let the sun go down on your anger, for you will give the devil a foothold" and yet all along the sun has been rising and setting on my anger for far too long all because I convinced myself my anger was gone when really I had just transferred it to someone else.  I put this anger on him because It gave me a reason to hold on to him, to tell myself "there's no way he could leave me if he's hurt me. He would never leave" and yet, I've been hurting him. Yup, I'm not the victim here. Shocking. My eyes have been opened today to the fact that no matter what has happened in my life, or what others have done or how they have treated me does not mean that everyone is that way. Just because I've been hurt doesn't mean I'm the only one. In the process of me being angry over being hurt by another, I deeply hurt the person I care the most about. I guess my point in all this is to say, don't let the sun go down on your anger with the ones you love. If something is hurting you, for goodness sake, figure out what it is that's really hurting you and get to the real issue. Don't hide behind something else. If you are angry because you're jealous, be honest about it. If you're angry because someone has hurt you, be honest about it. If you're going to keep things to yourself, then fine. But don't do what I did and tell myself I will keep quiet, all the while letting my frustrations and feelings speak for me. Today I found my voice again. But, for once in my life, I didn't find my voice through speaking. I found it through being told the truth; the truth that I have been selfish, and mean, and angry. I realized today that speaking up for yourself doesn't have to mean blaming your hurts on someone else. Sometimes, it means admitting to yourself the real issue and apologizing to the person you love. People always says you never know what you've got until it's gone. I don't ever want to know what it feels like to lose my best friend. Coming as close as I did today was enough to make me realize, that it doesn't matter how I feel, my selfish pride is not worth losing the only person who has always been there. My pride is not an excuse for bad behavior, and my *pride* of falsely righteous anger came crashing down when I finally admitted to myself that I hurt someone. I think my Dad may have a coronary if he reads this because he's spent 19 years trying to get all this through my head. I guess it never registered coming from him because you don't get to choose your family. They are what you've got and you love them and stand by them no matter what so I never had to figure this out until now. I never had to figure this out until I was truly faced with the realization that if my best friend had left me today it would be no one's fault but my own and that scared me to death. I will never let my pride get in the way of my ability to love ever again. Anger is not worth the loss it can cause, especially when it's anger over something you can't change. I guess it just took someone with a one track mind like mine to make me see it. (Just for fun, here's the song that inspired that last line http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3JV74i4yvcA.) Anyways, make today count, don't let your anger get in the way of your life and don't let it make you lose what's most important. Nothing is worth that, no matter how important you think the reason you're angry is. Nothing nothing nothing is worth looking back and thinking "If I hadn't been angry, that never would have happened". So, tell the truth to the people you love and live your life, just don't live it blaming other people. You'll feel a heck of a lot more free if you realize your mistakes and accept that there are people who won't leave you just because you mess up.

Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid

I know I need to write. Writing makes me feel good; it helps me clear my head. In the past few weeks I must have sat down to write 10 times and each time I get going, I start writing without really thinking, just letting the things on my mind out on paper. But, every time I chicken out and erase it. I convince myself that what I have to say isn't important or it's too weird or believe it or not, too honest. Sometimes I wonder if I really should have said some of the things I've said on here. Sometimes people see a little *too much* of themselves in what you write and then they think you're talking about them. Sometimes, you really are talking about someone and then later on you wonder if the things you said were really worth saying. The consequences of words are so SO huge. I don't want to regret what I write. Ever. But sometimes, I regret how it makes me feel. I know everyone will know what I'm talking about when I say sometimes it feels like it's better to keep certain thoughts and feelings under lock and key. Sometimes, you finally admit the things you've been scared to death to say because you convince yourself the consequences can't be any worse than the way it makes you feel when you keep it to yourself. The truth is though, that it really can be harder when the truth is in the open, because when you share your truest thoughts and feelings you share your heart whether you want to or not. I think there's something to be said for total honesty (clearly by my blog you can tell I'm a firm believer in  "honesty is the best policy") but there is such a thing as saying too much. That's something I've had to figure out the hard way. There comes a point where you have to decide whether what you feel is so important that you *have to* say it no matter what the consequences. Be careful what you classify with that kind of importance. Once the truth is out there, it doesn't mean your life will change. Being honest about something doesn't mean you'll be happy or you'll get what you want. Maybe it will, but there's never a guarantee. You'll always run that risk of having everything out in the open and then realizing that absolutely nothing is going to change. It doesn't have to be a bad thing, it's just something you have to be prepared for. It's kind of like when you're little and you get caught eating candy before dinner. Of course your mom already knows you did it (mom always knows *everything*, right? It's creepy)  but for some reason parents always ask if you did it or not. So, you weigh the options in your head (either way that candy was delicious, right?) but you figure if you tell the truth then maybe you won't get in trouble. More often than not, you still get spanked and run away rubbing your backside, crying. Darn it, the truth stings a lot more than you thought it would! That stolen candy doesn't taste so delicious when you have to pay the price. A moment of sweetness for an hour of pain. It doesn't seem worth it. Although, contrary to what I've been saying this entire time, there is also something to be said for the relief that comes from honesty. You don't have to bear the burden anymore. Once everything is out in the open, that weight is lifted. I guess though, when the situation isn't resolved it kind of feels like a giant rock hanging in the air that you're just waiting to come crashing down. You don't directly feel it anymore, but you know it isn't over. I feel that way right now. I feel...unresolved about some things in my life right now. Some chapters of my life have recently been closed, but I'm ok with that. Sometimes there are things that you need to be done with. I guess it's just hard to try and convince yourself you're done with something that you know isn't over. Maybe, things are different for now, but some day a conclusion will come in one direction or the other. I've been told in the past i'm a "100%" kind of person. Whatever I feel I feel to the extreme, whether it's love, hate, excitement, sadness, passion, or pain I can't help but be intense about the things I feel. Sometimes I feel, rather I *know*, that this drives people away from me. I'm "too much too often" but I would rather be intense than feel nothing at all. The problem with honesty as it goes along with my personality is that once I say the truth, it doesn't relieve anything. Sure, maybe I won't feel isolated, but that intensity is still there. That's who I am and that's something that maybe I could change, but I'm not willing to. It's something I like about myself. I guess I just need to figure out how to be honest and let go of things at the same time. I know God has a plan for my life, but I'm so darn impatient that I hate waiting for the plan to be revealed. I feel sometimes (even thought I know it won't work) that if I just bargain with him and say "ok God, I'll be honest about ________ if you'll just show me where my life is headed right now". I'm pretty sure he giggles at that. I've got an internal debate going on right over whether or not I should keep being honest about the way I feel about things anymore. Honesty, doesn't, won't, and never will get rid of any kind of longing so take it from me who learned it the hard way: Make sure that you're ready for whatever happens. Don't blindly run around yelling the honest truth from the mountain tops. Just be sure that later on you won't look back and think: Some things really are better left unsaid.